I felt sick to my stomach when the others returned to Midgar from their first kill. Some poor soul had been brutally snuffed out like a candle for the sake of pocket change and no one had batted an eye. Jim had brought me here for real work, hadn’t he? Even if theft was shady, it was far from murder.
Naturally, I’d stayed behind in Midgar to wait for the others to return. I wasn’t interested in having any blood on my hands to keep me awake at night. Even if I’d been willing to pull the trigger, I wouldn’t know the first thing about firing a weapon. I wondered to myself what Jim had seen in me to save me from myself and give me one last, even if less desirable, chance to succeed. I’m a lot of things; I’m a young, naturally gifted genius and a straight-A university student with unlimited potential and nothing left that I cherish to lose. However, I am not a killer.
I couldn’t know for sure if Jim had assumed I’d pick up a gun and get messy or if he simply wanted me to be myself so long as I wasn’t compromising the work being done. Everyone else seemed to be fully prepared to gun down anyone who stood in our way. I really do want a chance to take back what’s mine, but I can’t help but wonder to myself: What would be the cost of doing so?
Feeling discouraged, I got up from my chair and left. No one seemed to notice or care as the door to Midgar closed behind me. I would be back, of course. For now, I had little choice in the matter. It wasn’t as if I had much to contribute for planning or execution until someone took a bullet anyway.
As I set out for a walk, I took in the warm air from the sun that shined brightly from it’s afternoon peak. Although I hadn’t fully realize it until I’d left, I found I was actually quite relieved to finally be out of the rain. It’d always made me feel so glum and depressed every time I looked outside to see the world shrouded in grey. The only thing I’d really missed about Seattle at all was home. I’d be back there soon, I told myself.
“What a load of shit,” I thought soon after. I knew better. I was going to be away from home for a long time, possibly years. There wouldn’t ever be any going back to the way things were before; too much had changed for that longing wish to come true. Sure, maybe some day my dream would be tangible, but the path before me was a whole different animal than the one I’d walked before. It was coated in blood and regret.
In a sense, perhaps the rain had managed to follow me after all.